Friends Only. Comment to be added.

A few questions posed to the universe:

Why does my heart so often feel as though it is alternately exploding or being crushed

AND

Why do try so hard to sabotage myself

AND

Why do I embrace nostalgia as a way of life, holding every memory ever to my chest with a white-knuckled grip

AND

Why are my twenties twice as difficult to cope with as my teen years, which I thought could never get any worse

AND

Will I ever, ever, ever heal properly from the emotional damage I have withstood thus far

OR

Will I continue to make the same mistakes, suffer the same nightmares, and experience the same disappointments I continually set myself up for?




Will I ever feel at home? Even once?

William Fitzsimmons' music sounds like my insecurities. Like, if you were to put them all in a tiny box and then place your ear up against it - that's what they would sound like all together.

Hallelujah.

I cannot even begin to express how regretful and lost I feel these days, nor how much I hate what I've created.

I hope this makes me better. If not, I suppose I'll just be wallowing in self-pity and self-disgust until I figure out the meaning of forgiveness.

I feel so incredibly awful about my life today. I don't want to work a seven hour shift with crazy new people at the greenlake store. I could have really used my day off today. Why did I agree to take Erin's shift? I'm drinking coffee and trying to refocus so I don't make a complete fool out of myself in front of Louie, because with my luck he'll be there on my awkward off day. I fear for my job as it is, with the way people were dropping left and right over the holidays. Rumors continue to swirl, and I feel no one above me is aware of the work I do except Justin. I feel like all it would take is one shitty shift in front of Louie for him to come to a judgment.

I don't understand how people can like to work as a distraction from their problems. I feel like work just highlights all of the badness in the universe on days when I already feel like shit. It's like it knows and serves me all of these godawful customers and huge disasters. God, listen to me. Huge disasters? It's fucking coffee. Get some perspective, self. Plus all of your UZ people have your back - you know this.

My classes are going to be intense this quarter. "Queering Home" (CHID 480) and Viennese modernism (CHID 498). I think I'm just going to be reading whenever I'm outside of class or not working. They're both probably the most interesting classes I've taken at UW yet, though, and I'm hoping that that will give me some momentum here. At least at the beginning of the quarter.

I'm reading The Man Without Qualities by Robert Musil. It's about this man traversing Viennese society at the turn of the century, and it kind of just rambles on without an end (or a plot really, for that matter). This clearly appeals to me. It's like the novel part of the story is just a vehicle for Musil's social/philosophical diatribes. The way Musil talks about and alludes to the ant-like qualities we as a race have developed really resonates with me lately. I feel like I have so much richness going on internally but I barely have a moment to tap into it without having to get ready to go somewhere, or clean, or keep up with other little aspects of my daily life. It's like an itch or a compulsion that keeps me from knowing peace, even in moments when I actually can relax. Fridays are going to be my days off this quarter. I will do nothing on those days that I don't want to do.



"Of course there is no denying that all these primordial dreams appear, in the opinion of nonmathematicians, to have been suddenly realized in a form quite different from the original fantasy. Baron Munchhausen's post horn was more beautiful than our canned music, the Seven-League Boots more beautiful than a car, Oberon's kingdom lovelier than a railway tunnel, the magic root of the mandrake better than a telegraphed image, eating of one's mother's heart and then understanding birds more beautiful than an ethologic study of a bird's vocalizing. We have gained reality and lost a dream. No more lounging under a tree and peering at the sky between one's big and second toes; there's work to be done. To be efficient one cannot be hungry and dreamy but must eat steak and keep moving. It is exactly as though the old, inefficient breed of humanity had fallen asleep on an anthill and found, when the new breed awoke, that the ants had crept into its bloodstream, making it move frantically ever since, unable to shake off that rotten feeling of antlike industry."

Storm of the century and other such wintery scenes...

Click the link below for some highlights, or click the picture to view the whole gallery.( Read more... )

I know I spammed this video everywhere, but still.

Vancouver, B.C., here we come!

I am so excited it's almost Thanksgiving. I have nothing due this week, really, and one of my classes is practically optional. The professor said as much. I'm feeling like a vacation is in order, even though I've hardly accomplished anything since mid-quarter. I need to work on my group project, finish Fanon, and watch an archaeology related movie for extra credit over break. I plan on doing nothing else except sleeping and eating with my family.

I turned in my Belfast application, although I'm freaking out slightly because I haven't even had a confirmation back from them, and Liz is already scheduling an interview for Prague. I didn't actually realize how invested I was in the program until I was on my way to the office to turn in my application and practically had a panic attack. I will really, really be crushed if I don't get to go. It's my dream program - I practically made it up myself.

Oh, I just checked the program site and it said the application has been extended to December 1st! I feel significantly relieved. I wonder why it was extended? Maybe they didn't have enough applicants or something? I kind of doubt that. There's only 16 spaces.

In other news, Linden and I are still "not together", although we are trying to find time every week to hang out. We're still just taking it one day at a time and trying to determine whether this distance is too much for us right now. It's just incredibly difficult when all we have are Sunday mornings, and we have a tendency to sleep right through them. We're both just so exhausted from our lives outside of each other that it's hard to round up enough energy to enjoy ourselves together. It'll be nice to actually spend a significant chunk of time with her over winter break and be able to go somewhere. I think we decided that we're going to go sledding/tubing at Snoqualmie pass. We miss each other. A lot.

Otherwise, college has been fun. I'm spending a lot of time with Liz and this girl named Sarah from California. I think they're keeping me sane. So far there hasn't been any lack of adventures, and I'm feeling very connected to them. It's nice to have friends so close. I haven't really had any friends within walking distance since...well, high school I guess. Liz and I never saw each other all that regularly before this fall, and it's interesting to be able to watch our relationship grow. I've probably learned more about her in the past few months than I have since our friendship began. Even though this quarter has probably been the most tumultuous period of my entire life, fraught with so many changes I can hardly see straight, I've gained a lot of perspective, and realized how blessed I am to know the people I do so intimately. They are all dynamic, articulate, creative, passionate women. I hope I can remain this close to them for a very, very long time. I also hope I get to know Sarah and Hope better over the course of the rest of the year, because I adore them as well.

I brought my old guitar back to school this weekend and I'm hoping I'll be able to play around on it with both Sarah and Liz. They are rather brilliant musicians, and maybe they can teach me a few chords.

Anyway, I should probably get something to eat. I hope you all have a wonderful turkey day, and I'm thankful for all of you!

I wish my family ate tofurkey. It's so way better.

http://depts.washington.edu/chid/showprogram.php?id=55

This is EXACTLY what I was looking for!

Today I received my acceptance letter to the University of Washington for Fall Quarter 2007.

The film shots were disappointing, and I unfortunately didn't catch any of the night action. The black and whites aren't that grainy in print, I swear.

Anyway, some highlights if you're interested.

Hello from heathrow. We have already had our first legal drink (Bailey's lattes) and it's not even noon yet. Cheers to us! Whatever, we've been traveling for more than 24 hours, now, and it was like midnight our time anyway. Killing time in the internet cafe until gamma shows up. We both feel wonderfully slimey. I'm pretty sure I'm developing a noticable film of grease. We don't actually get into Dublin until later tonight, and I don't think I've ever wanted to shower more. We are in high spirits, though, and I'm thoroughly enjoying people watching. What better location than Heathrow, really? Prime location. No sign of any birkenstocks or north face coats - we are definitely far from home. Hopefully I will be able to find another one of these internet cafe thingies later this trip so I can make an update. 

It's snowing in London.

  

This roll was exposed, ripped, cut, scratched, you name it. But it also produced some of the most true to life pictures I've ever seen. This is my life. This is the way I envision it. These are snapshots recalled from my memory.
 

Click for sweetness.